I can remember a time when trust came easy. I could walk into a room of people without the overwhelming feeling that everyone was hiding something. I once was able to listen to the stories being shared without looking at the body language of the one sharing it. I once looked into a persons eyes to show interest and respect and not to see if they could look back at me comfortably. I had a calm about me, a fun and trusting spirit, at least I think I did. I have lost touch with that reality.
There are many things that have to change once you adopt, even more when you adopt trauma babies. The frequency of eating at restaurants, going out with friends, dates with your spouse, less time on your calendar for spa days, and the list goes on. These things are a no brainer, easy to sacrifice for the healing of a child. You are willing to add to your already chaotic schedule for the therapist visits, doctor appointments, case worker calls, IEP meetings, teachers emails, and wait lists for the specialists that you pray will be the one to offer the missing link to healing. Once your son or daughter
is in your home you would move mountains to help in that healing, no questions asked. You have read the reports. You know you are in for a crazy ride. You’ve buckled up and surrounded yourself with all the safety measures you can prepare for. You know who you are and how perfect your home is for the healing of your children. You can see yourself as a complete family. The smiles on their little faces as you tuck them into bed, you can even see the tears streaming down their faces as you gently hand out the consequence that matches the behaviors they are struggling with at the moment. You have read the books, watched the DVD’s, and taken the classes. You’ve got this.
I had this.
I was strong, calm, educated, ready. I trusted the path I was on.
I trusted.
Somewhere along the path I fell into the sea of lies that comes with trauma and it is a deep-sea. I started on the shores and could see for miles. I knew when a storm was coming and was able to prepare or seek shelter. Then one day I blinked and found myself on a ship rocking back and forth in the waves of make-believe stories. Wave after wave crashing onto the deck makes it hard to not slip and fall overboard and suddenly you are fighting to keep your head above water. Suddenly you can’t trust yourself to pick out your clothes for the day, you can’t believe you ever thought that paint color was a good choice, and you can see the cat hanging by its tail in her tiny little hands but you just can’t comprehend that she can be that diabolical! The veil between truth and lies is a thin one and once torn the repair of it takes longer than your nerves can handle. My days are filled with “I didn’t do it” followed by the “I don’t know” and completely overwhelmed with the “I’m telling the truth”. It starts as soon as their eyes open and doesn’t stop until they close. It is day after day and with everyday I get more determined to see them heal. I see through the lies to the fear. I know that in their minds an untruth is the only thing that stands between them and safety. Even after this many years of make believe I can still see through the frustration of being told the lies. I can still see their smiles as I tuck them in and I am still willing to move the mountains that are in the way of their healing. One day her smile will be genuine, soon he won’t stare into space trying to come up with a believable story to tell, I know she will one day be able to admit her failure without blaming everyone around her. They will all be able to someday trust that I love them no matter what. I know this.
Until that day comes I will continue on the path filled with eggshells. I will try to balance on the tightrope of reality. Please don’t push me off, if my hair is a mess don’t tell me I am looking good. I still have mirrors that haven’t been broken. I can see the bags under my eyes, I know I have had one too many cheeseburgers in between sessions. I realize there is a coffee stain down the front of my shirt and I can feel myself watching for your untruth. Be a safe place, a calm between the storms. Please don’t offer advice that will cause me to be unbalanced as I walk this rope, trust that it is still me, the fun, loving, and trusting girl you have always known. It is still me I am just a different me. I have just lost touch with that reality right now.
I have lost my ability to walk into a room and trust those in it but I haven’t lost sight of why I said yes knowing my world would flip upside down, and so I write……….
soshewritesweb 