The heart of an adoptive mom

“How do you do it?”

“How are you sane?”

“Why did you adopt more?”

These are questions I have been asked along my journey as an adoptive mom. Some more regularly than I would like if I am being honest. I am always amazed at some of the things people will say thinking it perfectly normal. Some I give more grace to as I know they are at a loss for words as they see or hear about my kids behaviors. Others I simply roll my mind eyes at and just go about my business. I mean, let’s think about these questions for a minute. You go to a friend’s house and she, as a mother, is dealing with hard behaviors of her precious child. You then ask her how she does it, how she doesn’t lose her mind, and you look at her other child and ask why she had more. Oh, did I mention this friend is a mother of all bio children, her hard kid has cancer and she is dealing with the hard behaviors that the drugs cause. What? You would never ask her that? You would have compassion on her and the situation she is in? Tell me then why it is ok to ask adoptive mothers those very questions? Are they not real mothers because their kids aren’t really their kids? It is so easy for those around us to think how of course a bio mother with a child that has ADHD and runs around the house screaming and throwing tantrums would love that child, after all they are flesh and blood. But to accept that an adoptive mom could love another’s child that screams more than they laugh, or plays with their poop more than their play dough, or lets them know they hate her more than they love her is beyond possible. Well, let me share the heart of an adoptive mom with you and maybe, just maybe you will be able to grasp the idea that  one can love a child that is not of their flesh but of their heart.

Our journey started out like many others. We talked of children, we dreamed of them playing together and growing together. Vacations full of laughter and hearts full of love. When it was obvious that we would only be blessed with one bio child we began our journey to adopt. At first my heart was to give our son the joy of having a sibling, for him to have the memories and connections that we had growing up. As we began to research we began to understand that there might not be the same kind of memories and connections but instead there might be a deeper understanding of how to truly love a brother or sister unconditionally. We began to understand that the child or children we would bring into our home would be hurting and full of resentments that could take years to heal from. It was made clear that if we wanted adoption to complete our family we were doing it for the wrong reasons and should rethink our motives. So we did rethink our motives. Why did we want to adopt? Who did we want to adopt? What did we think we would get from adopting? Once those questions were answered we were ready to adopt for the right reasons.

Why did we want to adopt? To give a safe home to a child in need of one. To offer a chance at a successful future after having their childhood stolen from them. To take at least one child out of the running for the sex trade or streets of crime and possibly suicide.

Who did we want to adopt? A girl. Someone older that might be past the “cute” phase that pulls the heart-strings of those who will see her picture.

What did we think we would get from adopting? Though we knew we would get a daughter out of the process we also knew we would get a new prospective of what it means to love unconditionally. In this process of adopting an older child, one that is harder than most, one that might be headed to an institution rather than the deans list you have to choose everyday to love them no matter the hurt they cause you. You have to remind yourself of the hurt that one, if not multiple mothers before you have already caused them. You have to put aside your feelings, dreams, desires, and emotions in order to give them the love that they need from you.

We found our daughter, we were asked what we would do when it got harder than we thought it would be, how would we react to a child that has serious behavior problems. Would we change our mind and ask that she be removed from our home? That question hit me hard. I sat and thought about all the mothers I knew that had been given bio children that are a bit hard, those that have had to stay up night after night due to a handicap their child had been born with or had been given after life dealt them an unfair accident that led to an altered life. I knew not one of those mothers would ever walk their children back into the hospital they had them at and say they changed their minds and then walk out the door leaving them behind. I thought of my own son and knew I could never turn my back on him if he had something happen to him and needed extra love and care. I felt it at that moment, the love in my heart for our daughter I hadn’t met yet but knew I loved already. Much like when the doctor confirmed that I was pregnant with my son I felt a mothers love for her when the case worker said “we know you are her mom and dad”. She is mine, and once we figured out what it was that was causing her behaviors (trauma) we were able to make a plan and care for her the way she needed to be cared for. Much like bio-parents, we chose to have more children after her, only we adopted ours. We are a family. I do it everyday just like any other mom. I get up, get myself ready for the day, and take every crazy moment one at a time. I love my kids because they are my kids. Yes, they can be hard to like at times but they are never hard to love. Just like any mother who loves her child that once grew in her womb no matter the behaviors or the sacrifice that she has to make, I love my children that grew in my heart. I am their REAL mom, they are my REAL babies and that will never change. So, How do I do it? Just like you do. How do I stay sane? With a lot of prayer and a little wine! Why did I adopt more? Why haven’t you adopted one? They are my heart and soul, my goal in life is to help them heal and find joy, and so I write………………