Finding joy in the Hell-idays

It started, the first day of Thanksgiving break, the crazy began.

Our oldest daughter began her Monday with writing about how she wanted to punch her little sister, filled the day with her descent into the “woe is me” pit of pity, and ended it on the side of the road trying to get the sheriff deputy to take her mom down and drive her to her friend’s house. Let me back up a bit.

Holidays are the worst here. We know this and try to keep our eye out for when it will explode. Our kids have a hard time on every holiday break. We are not sure why, is it because the schools start asking questions about family traditions, pictures of their first holiday, if they get to go to their grandmas house and make cookies with all their cousins, or because they get too overwhelmed with all the noise around them. No matter the reason I have began to dread the holiday season and have renamed them to the “Hell-idays”. This year we actually had something that was causing excitement and joy. My husband’s brother was coming to town with his new wife. We would all be together with our kids for the first time ever. The weekend leading up to their arrival was filled with our younger two talking non-stop about their “Gotcha Day” (the day they were adopted). They were talking back and forth about where they would choose to eat, what they would want as a toy, and how much fun it would be. As the weekend went on and attention was focused on all that the week before us held my daughter began to sink more and more into her pit of pity. Her journals were filled with disdain for her sister, she wrote of hitting her and disliking her, and everything her little sister did was watched through angry red eyes. I was distracted most of the weekend. Trying to get everything ready for Thanksgiving and the family it would bring, I was not paying as close attention to what was going on around me, losing focus and stress of being ready coupled with a kid in the pit is never a good combination.

By the time  I realized that an explosion was on its way it was too late to stop it, we tried the normal trick we have for getting blood flowing back to the brain and anger to subside, but instead she was out the door running away for the second time in a month. I rushed out after her to keep her from running in front of cars like she had the last time and in doing so I only had time to grab my keys. No wallet, no shoes, no phone, just keys. I have to admit I was a little more than upset. This time we would not have a mother daughter outing trying to talk about her feelings and emotions, no one on one trip to get hot cocoa and our nails done. Nope, I was headed straight to the police station to let them explain to her what happens to teenage girls when they run away from the safety of their homes. With no wallet, no shoes, and no phone. Did I mention I was a little more than upset? Well, turns out I didn’t allow my wheels to exactly stop at the stop sign and the sheriff driving our way took note of that. With a prayer of exhaustion, I was ready for whatever he had to say and honestly a night in a no-star resort known as jail sounded right nice at the time! Her look of pure pleasure and hope was enough for me to look in the rear-view mirror and say “I’m done, I can’t drag you into healing, it’s up to you now and I am done.” might not have been my most shining moment but nearly five years of working my tail off dragging this horse to water to only have her look me in the eye and scream how thirsty she is had left me defeated and exhausted. At some point in time they have to choose to drink the life saving water and not just stomp around in it. By the grace of God and understanding of a seasoned deputy, he saw through the mess that sat before him, he took her aside and saw through the manipulation, he looked into my eyes and heard the truth that they were screaming through tears. He looked at her and let her know he would be the one to come find her the next time she chose this path, and he would let her meet some of the people she would run into on the side of the road, and he would let her see the pictures of other girls before her and they weren’t fun to look at.

1 mom 0 teenage girl.

The game was on, after loosing what she thought was a sure win there was a battle about to begin, one that would end with her cutting off all her hair after the week was over, the family was all gone, mom had been unshakable with her behaviors, and her dad said no to pie. Her response to her dad after chopping her hair off? “Mom will be mad for sure now!” My response? “I am not fixing it, she can deal with the natural consequence.”

2 mom 0 teenage girl

Without all my focus going to her I have been able to give more to my younger two. There have been no fits of rage from our Lil Lil and my little Geo has reached out to hug me with sincere hugs. They have both relaxed and began to talk with confidence, and have not looked over their shoulders to see if their time with me is upsetting their sister to the point of her punishing them for the attention they are receiving. After three weeks of I hate you notes, fits of rage, F’bombs galore, notes of how much she worships the ground dad walks on and not me, and finally me looking her in the eye and letting her know I am ok with being hated and could not care less if she worshiped him over me, the RAD trance was broken and she returned to a calm daughter trying to get back into my graces.

3 mom 0 teenage girl

Christmas break has started, Lil Lil has noticed big sister talking to mom again, her acting out has started. Yes, the Hell-idays are upon us, but even in the Hell of it all if you keep your eyes on the big picture you can find the joy, and so I write……………….